Goodbye, 2021.

Man, what a fucking year.

I started the year with my mental health being the rockiest it’s ever been. 

I woke up every day in a constant state of anxious burnout. 

I missed out on more family gatherings. 

I sat through an agonizing lockdown waiting to go back to work. 

I went back to a job I loved just to have it close a few short months later. 

I watched my kids miss out on a sense of complete normalcy with a pandemic always lingering around. 

I started to struggle with food and fall back into unhealthy eating habits. 

I mourned. I grieved. I cried. I shrank. I hid. I yelled. 

Over the last week my feed has slowly filled with content celebrating 2021 and I kept thinking, how? How did anyone enjoy this year even slightly?

So last night I stopped and started going back through my phone’s camera roll and smiled. As I scrolled the memories I watched myself heal just a little. I swiped through core moments of slowly becoming me again without even realizing it. I watched my smile grow bigger and better. I saw myself loving my family and myself again. 

2021 was the start of an internal garden of mental health, growth and stability. 

I spent January and February laying the groundwork for the garden.

I pulled the weeds, freshened the soil and set up a fence to keep it safe. 

I spent March, April and May planting various seeds and making sure they had enough sunlight, water and care to push out seedlings. 

I spent the summer growing and flourishing. 

I spent the fall enjoying the fruits of my labour. 

I’ve spent the winter hibernating and reserving my energy to come back and flourish in the spring. 

So I remind myself today that my year wasn’t only bad, or hard, or depressing. 

I started the year with my mental health being the rockiest it’s ever been. 

I woke up every day in a constant state of anxious burnout.

But I kept up with therapy as long as I could to find tools to work through the hardest days.

I missed out on more family gatherings.

I watched my kids miss out on a sense of complete normalcy with a pandemic always lingering around

But I made an effort to make beautiful memories with my kids and not let my anxieties stop them from having any fun at all. 

But I watched my kid confidently march into her first day of kindergarten and flourish.

I sat through an agonizing lockdown waiting to go back to work.

I went back to a dream job I loved just to have it close a few short months later. 

But I soaked up every single moment I could at that job. 

But I made friends who I love dearly. 

But I found a new job I love and still make magic at. 

But I made beautiful core memories this summer and fall. 

I started to struggle with food and fall back into unhealthy eating habits. 

But I was able to identify them and work on them and have the tools to not let it get as bad as it could have.

I mourned. I grieved. I cried. I shrank. I hid. I yelled. 

I laughed. I danced. I smiled. I hugged. I explored.

I started an internal garden in 2021. 

I can’t wait to watch it grow stronger, taller and healthier in 2022. 

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